3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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