im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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