I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
