God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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