my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
