how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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