You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
