why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
