When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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