if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
