my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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