I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
