Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
