I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
