Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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