To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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