Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
