I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
