a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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