I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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