He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
