she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
