Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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