Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
