Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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