i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize