Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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