i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
