I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
