why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
