You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
