i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
