dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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