Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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