We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
