her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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