Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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