There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
