Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize