im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize