I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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