glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
