I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
