i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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