I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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