i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
