You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
