He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
