i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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