Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
