this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
