I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
