Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize