My Higher Power is John Stamos
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I FOUND THE LEGS
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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