The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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