Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
