you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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