That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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