i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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