Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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