So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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