i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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