So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
