Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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