apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
